Tuesday, June 24, 2008

This sucks!

With all of the doctor visits and procedures I have had in the last couple of weeks, I am always amazed at how unhealthy so many of the folks in the waiting rooms appear to be. Many are in wheel chairs with oxygen and can hardly move and in all likelihood, they may not be as sick as me. When I look at them, I feel the way they do, believe me. The after effects of chemo have left me feeling like I have the worst case of jet lag ever. All I would like to do is take my puppy for a walk or unload the dishwasher but...! It is the simplest of things in life that are the most joyous.

Some moments I think I am being a trooper and other times I do not feel strong. I want to feel courageous and happy and upbeat all of the time. When I don't, I then feel guilty. I do not quite have the emotional part of this figured out. They gave me some anti-anxiety pills and hefty pain pills and my nurse told me to not try to be a martyr. It is scary for me to take things like this but they do help. I am sleeping at night but the mornings are the worst when you wake up and realize it is not a bad dream.

Anyway, having this happen to me has caused a major upheaval in perspective about so many things. Little concerns or worries you may have had before go right out the window. Here are some thoughts:

1. I now for the first time have something in common with Farrah Fawcett. Dave used to have her poster and a t-shirt with her on it.

2. The expensive wrinkle creams in the drawer seem kind of ridiculous now.

3. I was a little behind on my Continuing Legal Education. This is moot for a while.

4. Seriously, I wish I had carried an extra 15 lbs. I could use it now. All of those times of not eating that extra dessert?!

5. Most of what is on television is supremely stupid---with an exception. I was watching 60 minutes with Anderson Cooper about how this peanut butter paste with vitamins is helping to save starving babies and children in Africa. Many of those Moms have lost child after child to malnutrition. To me, this would be unimaginable.

Again, I received some more exotic and gorgeous flowers today. Thank you. And my Mom is here to help water and keep them pretty.