Friday, December 05, 2008
I am devastated today. I am in pieces. I am Humpty Dumpty and the Grinch pushed me off the wall. The CT scan did not have the results we expected or wanted. Evidently, the two large liver tumors have become resistant to the chemo and decided to grow a little bit. The colon tumor is still gone completely, thank God. This is such difficult news because the first two CT scans showed dramatic response to the chemotherapy. Ah, but cancer is a fickle and unpredictable entity and can have a mind of its own.
I have only stopped crying long enough to write this. On Monday, I resume my normal chemotherapy schedule with a different drug that my tumors have never seen before. Two more months I must endure until another CT scan to determine if the new drug will blast them away.
My priest came over yesterday. In a way, I have felt betrayed---like all of the prayers haven't worked or that I have not prayed hard enough. What is it that God is intending for me? I have suffered and I am suffering. Joy, humor, and happiness have flown out my window. Somehow, I have to pull myself together to weather the next round of chemo. Christmas, which I was looking forward to, will go by in a blur of nauseousness. Somehow, I have to face all of this with strength when I feel like a puddle of nothing but tears.
A positive note in all of this is that the CT scan could not find the colon stent. Perhaps one of the times I felt like I was giving birth on the toilet was actually the passing out of the stent. I seriously cannot believe it but it is no longer there. It is now somwhere out in Puget Sound being used as a tiny fish net by a seagull or an otter. Lucas wondered last night if we would find it on the beach sometime.
Now, more than ever, my family needs prayers. I do believe prayers work but maybe not in the way we selfishly desire.
15 Comments:
Janet, you are strong! You can do this! I read something recently about the three ways God answers our prayers. 1 - Yes, 2- not just yet, 3 -I have something better in mind. Our prayers continue to flow for you and your family. Celebrate Life, Lani
By 
, at
9:30 AM
I hope the new drugs will blast away the tumors. We are keeping faith with you and your family. On a lighter note, might you be fined for littering in the Sound? Peace, Sue.
Janet you are still here - a strong beautiful woman. Nothing is different today than it was on Tuesday - just your knowledge of things makes it all look different. You ARE strong. Take one moment at a time, one day at a time. There are precious beautiful moments filling even our worst days. Remember some of the prayers you talked about from your favorite book - they are still powerful and still "work". I firmly believe that God answers ALL of our prayers - but sometimes the answers are hard to understand. No matter what happens your are in the palm of God's hand and there is no better place to be.
Do not lose your strength, and remember when you feel weak, you can lean on those around you - and all of us. Keep on fighting this Jane - there is every reason to believe the new treatment will work and perhaps the new drugs will not cause as many problems for you as the last batch. Blessing and prayers to you Janet, and may your day be filled with faith and hope. much love, Lesle
By , at
10:07 AM
Hang in there! You are surrounded by love and you are strong.
It's good that you're letting yourself experience all of these emotions... It must be tough, but it's also healthy.
I envision a picture in the Beacon of a caught fish with a colon stent wrapped aound it's neck.
By 
Brother Terry:, at
11:09 AM
Janet,
Jim and I are sending you every bit of our strength and courage. We know you can do this! We feel poitively that this next round can take care of everything. As far as Christmas goes - don't worry about presents, decorations, meals, etc. Just feel Christ's peace this time of year and know that he walks beside you. Kathy and Jim
Janet
I have been reading your blog for many years – I found you by way of Chuck. I have enjoyed your stories more than you can imagine. I found you to be a sympathetic voice – fellow Episcopalian, fellow mother of young adults (my daughter is 23). I followed your son’s time in France and the blossoming of your beautiful daughter. Her invitation to homecoming via a neighborhood sign was one of the funniest and most heartwarming stories I’ve ever read.
I have been so very sad to learn of your health struggles and I’ve felt a slightly voyeuristic checking in each week to see how you are doing. But I want you to know that as I catch up on your news, I do take time to pray for you and your family. You are also on my mind each Sunday during the Prayers of the People. I am praying that God hold you in the palm of his hand and grant nothing short of miraculous healing for your body. It can happen – I’ve seen miracles and I believe in miracles.
Chris (in Virginia)
By , at
12:34 PM
Janet, be strong and know that you are loved. People who care about you are keeping you in their prayers.
Keeping you in my prayers as you embark on this next stage of your journey. Hang in there and stay strong.
By , at
3:58 PM
Dear Janet - The Medieval Women's Choir sings at St. James tomorrow night. I will keep you in mind as we sing, and send all our good energy your way. Glad the stent is gone, anyway!
Best,
Julia
P.S. Right now, at 4:35pm, the sunset is gorgeous - hope you have a good view!
By , at
4:32 PM
Oh, Janet! I am so SO sorry to hear this news when you were expecting and hoping for something so much better. Two months, of course, is practically nothing compared to what you have already been through. But two months over Christmas? Such a disappointment :-( Terrific, indeed, about the banished colon tumor, and excellent to know that they have something else up their sleeves to throw at the remaining two! Clearly you are in the best of hands, both medically and spiritually. I will continue to add my "good thoughts from a complete stranger" to all of the other well-wishes and prayers on your behalf and hope for the best of news come February. Hang in there, and give sweet Apolo an extra hug from his admirer down in California!
When I heard that things didn't go as well as you hoped, I got sick to my stomach. Then I wanted to go buy a bottle of Scotch and a pack of cigarettes, and have one night of oblivion. But, I knew that wouldn't help you or me. I did eat some Tillamook Mudslide Ice Cream - it was a compromise. So then I started praying, and prayed some more, and then some more. I'm still praying, that God will heal you of all of your ailments, whatever they are and however they present, and let you be the person you are, whole and happy and healthy. I've asked the same things for your family and friends too. Love in Christ, Mary P.S. I've also asked him to kick the cancer's butt.
By , at
12:16 PM
Thank you everyone for your touching comments. They do give me a lift and Mary---you actually made me laugh out loud.
Janet, I just read this. I'm so, so sad to hear you are going to endure another round of chemo, but thankful that there is another drug out there to try.
Stay strong! You have just been so brave and positive and amazing. Most of the time it feels like you are giving everybody a lift.
You may not be able to taste as many yummy treats as you'd like, but certainly you are feeling the love from all corners this Christmas.
Thinking of you... Susan/Sonia
Janet I just looked down and saw this post, I had just popped in briefly last night. I'm reminded of a beautiful I gave to a number of people called "Life's Weaving." It talks about how we only seem to see a tangled skein of threads and lumps and loops when we look at the pattern of our lives. But God is the weaver, and HE (or SHE) sees the other, the top, side. And on that side is the beautiful weaving of our life that we can't see right now. God is weaving something beautiful in your life right now, though it's very hard to see that. Who knows what inspiration, what love, what beauty each of us has received from your generous and open hearted sharing? Who knows what God has in store for you? One thing I'm certain about...it is something beautiful. Keeping you and your dear ones in my prayers...
SusanG
By , at
8:59 AM
Janet,
I have just come across your blog this morning and I haven't been able to stop reading. You have an incredible story and such lovely family and friends. I am inspired by your strength, courage, faith and beauty of your words. I share your faith in the Lord Jesus Christ and as hard as things are for you, he is with you and is at work in your life. What a wonderful example you are to your family, friends and the e-world! -In the most difficult times your faith stays strong and the joy and peace that God gives you is strong in your heart and mind.
My prayers are with you and keeping writing!
Blessings,
Cami and Lex
"Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice! Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."
Phillipians 4:4
By , at
10:57 AM
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