Friday, December 05, 2008

The Grinch Who Stole My Christmas

I am devastated today. I am in pieces. I am Humpty Dumpty and the Grinch pushed me off the wall. The CT scan did not have the results we expected or wanted. Evidently, the two large liver tumors have become resistant to the chemo and decided to grow a little bit. The colon tumor is still gone completely, thank God. This is such difficult news because the first two CT scans showed dramatic response to the chemotherapy. Ah, but cancer is a fickle and unpredictable entity and can have a mind of its own.

I have only stopped crying long enough to write this. On Monday, I resume my normal chemotherapy schedule with a different drug that my tumors have never seen before. Two more months I must endure until another CT scan to determine if the new drug will blast them away.

My priest came over yesterday. In a way, I have felt betrayed---like all of the prayers haven't worked or that I have not prayed hard enough. What is it that God is intending for me? I have suffered and I am suffering. Joy, humor, and happiness have flown out my window. Somehow, I have to pull myself together to weather the next round of chemo. Christmas, which I was looking forward to, will go by in a blur of nauseousness. Somehow, I have to face all of this with strength when I feel like a puddle of nothing but tears.

A positive note in all of this is that the CT scan could not find the colon stent. Perhaps one of the times I felt like I was giving birth on the toilet was actually the passing out of the stent. I seriously cannot believe it but it is no longer there. It is now somwhere out in Puget Sound being used as a tiny fish net by a seagull or an otter. Lucas wondered last night if we would find it on the beach sometime.

Now, more than ever, my family needs prayers. I do believe prayers work but maybe not in the way we selfishly desire.