Mukilteo Musings

Happy New Year?

On Monday, we met with my oncologist. He was out of the country when the results of my last CT scan were available so he wanted to talk with us about my new chemo regimen. No new information was provided but being faced with the reality of my situation again upset me.

This morning I woke up realizing it was New Year's Eve and all I wanted was to wake up from this bad dream. I was not feeling well because the chemo is hard on my gastrointestinal system. From about 8:30 to 9:30 AM, I am in pain. After I take medications, I start to feel a little better. But this morning, I fell apart during that hour. I shed a lot of tears and said I could not take anymore of this. "It is not fair! I hate this! It is so hard!"

I realized I need to vent like that now and then. It is ok to get mad at my situation. After the meds kicked in and my tears stopped, I felt much better. Sometimes I think I am trying to be a little too strong by trying not to cry or fall apart.

We went into Everett for my pre-chemo blood draw this morning. Another woman about my age was in the lab waiting area and I noticed she was crying. It made me feel not alone although I have no idea why she was shedding tears. For all I know, she was crying about a smashed up car from the snow. But still...!

At the moment, I am feeling quite well, actually. Again, I am feeling positive. These doctors have a lot of tricks up their sleeves and if one thing doesn't work, they have other options--especially for colon cancer. I am not done yet. I AM strong and my oncologist was impressed with how I am handling both the physical and emotional effects of the chemo.

I pray for good results and success with my treatments in 2009. On the way back from my blood draw, we even stopped at the drug store to look for party hats for tonight. Thank goodness we are on the west coast. I can watch the greeting of the New Year in New York and still comply with my early bedtime.