Tuesday, December 09, 2008

Life is a Tapestry

One of my friends, SusanG, posted a beautiful poem about God's weaving of our life into a beautiful tapestry. Go read it. It is in the comments to the post below. Weirdly, from several different and unconnected places, I have seen and heard reference to the tapestry since last Thursday when we heard the news about my CT scan. It is true, I am having difficulty seeing the purpose of my current challenges. Obviously, I am looking at the unattractive underside of God's beautiful tapestry of my life.

I went to chemo yesterday. I do not feel too much different than before with the new drug. Of course, they give me steroids, anti-anxiety meds, anti-vomit meds and anti-diarheal meds so we'll just see in the next few days. They also send me home with bottles of pills that do the same thing. My same nurse greeted me with a hug which caused me to dissolve into the tears I have been having lately with all of this. I try to be so strong. Before chemo, I always fix what hair I have left and put on my favorite sweats and underwear. I also put on a little make up though I cannot wear eye make up because I have very few eye lashes left to keep the powder out of my eyes. And I always wear matching earrings. People in the SCCA waiting room look at everyone and wonder about their story. I want to show bravery and normalcy.

Normal life routine. This keeps me going and comfortable. Sunday, I felt pretty good. In the great tapestry of my life, I felt well enough for an outing to get our two Christmas trees. As I wrote the check for the trees, the tree farm woman said to please come back next year. I'd like to keep good on that invitation but the words hit me a little. You just never know what will happen between one Christmas and the next. I then helped myself to hot apple cider and cookies which in past years I have avoided because of the calories. I chuckled to myself. I like to put one tree downstairs as well as upstairs since the kids all sleep and watch TV down there. At the moment, we have only managed to get the upstairs tree decorated. I even climbed on a step ladder with numb feet. That was interesting and probably a little stupid!

Definitely, I am relaxing my attitude about Christmas doings this year because I simply cannot do what I always used to do. I doubt I will do cards and shopping is being done largely online. Baking is not on my list but Kaley will make up for it when she gets home. But this is ok. My desire is to enjoy the season as best I can. Dave is extremely busy with major grants which have deadlines. Luckily, he is able to work on his computer at home with me but it is difficult for him to take up my part of the Christmas activities.

I would like to help those in need this year more than we usually do. I may feel kind of crappy and it just causes me to want everybody else to have a good Christmas. For example, a story in our newspaper today got to me. An Indian reservation in South Dakota was hit hard by a snow storm and people are suffering. They have an 87% poverty rate to begin with and they need clothes, food, and everything. Children are going hungry as if it is the third world. But it is not. This is happening right now, right here in America. I guess people resorted to burning furniture to keep warm. This is unacceptable and tragic. Indians on our local reservations are sending help but it is still not enough. I don't know--this story just touched me today.

Here are some pictures from the tapestry of my life:

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Dave, Magali, and Lucas at the tree farm.

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Upstairs Christmas Tree.