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Sunday, May 10, 2009

Every night, without fail, I dream about my mom. Sometimes it borders on a nightmare, with me waking in the morning resentful that in my dream she was ill, or upset. But the other night, I dreamt that she was visiting – and it reminded me of the color of our relationship with perfect exactitude; and when I woke I felt not more agony, more emptiness, but a completeness, a realization that I can fully own our spectacular bond. Just in time for today.

Because really, I’ll say it with the utmost pompousness – I had the best mom in the universe. We all think this to some degree, I’m sure, but I can say objectively that she did everything right (aside from not letting me snack between meals when I was little – she paid for it, because my hypoglycemia often erupted in tantrums).

But once that’s out, what to say about Mother’s Day? I’m sitting in front of two paragraphs that I’m not particularly proud of, that don’t really approach the volume of what I’m feeling right now, thinking - “I need to write about this. Everything will ferment in my mind and turn my life sour if I don’t get it out.” Because today is one of the “firsts”; we are taught to believe lasts are the most painful, but I’ve learned that lasts often go undetected, which is the sweetest blessing. If I had known last Mother’s day was the last, it would not have been Mother’s day, but a premature commemoration. If we had known December was her last Christmas, the beauty of it may have faltered . In my mom’s words, “Christmas is more than undelivered or unreceived presents. The most important Gift of all to us will never let us down.”

I think my mother, not just in her illness, had moments of clarity, during which she imparted to me the exact words I would need once her absence came. And so now I realize that Mother’s Day, like Christmas, is more than what you give your mother. It’s what your mother gives to you.

So I will be celebrating. The most genuine mother’s day I’ve had yet, probably.
How to celebrate, I’m not sure. The only thing I can think to do is remember.

// posted by Kaley Lane Eaton @ 10:06 AM

8 Comments:

Kaley, you and I are so much the embodiment of our exceptionally wonderful mothers. I can not wait until we have children of our own and help each other raise them to be, well, just like us. I am thinking of your mother so much today because she gave me one of the worlds best friends: someone exactly like her. I couldn't be more proud of you or excited to come home to see your smiling face, the one that has transformed so much over the last few months and become stronger than I ever imagined. Love you, babe.

By Blogger Margaux, at 12:55 PM  

Kaley,

Love to you this Mothers day... Your are a blessing...
Denise

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:22 PM  

Hi Kaley,
I decided to check this today--it is one of the firsts, as you noted, and I was wondering how you were doing. Leslie is right--your mom is so proud of you and how you are coping and working out your grief. After your last post, I wondered if you had dreams about your mom. In the weeks after my dad died, I felt like he visited my dreams and it was enormously comforting to me. Your mom was a terrific mom and I'm sure she is pleased by this Mother's day post, Kaley. All the best--still going to get my e-mail to you!
Vida

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:11 PM  

I think that maybe you had the best mother in the universe too, Kaley. I admired your Mom so much in so many ways that I just have to agree with you. Thank the Lord that she had you to carry on so many of those traits! Life really is so short and to learn as much as you already know and to experience all that you have -good and bad- at your age is a blessing. And one that your Mom is partly responsible for - so yes Mother's Day is about what our Mothers give us too. Including a gentle touch in the night through a dream. XO Leslie

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 7:43 PM  

I checked here too today because it would be your first, and you are so right about never knowing when the "last" will be. That final time you held her hand to cross a busy street when you were small? Neither one of you thought to mark the occasion, or even note it. I think that does make life easier. How could we bear the constant mourning of all those "lasts", and would it not cloud our rightful celebration of all the glorious "firsts"? I think you've struck a really good balance, Kaley -- in your dreams, and in your understanding of the way of the world. Hugs to you on this sad and special day!

By Blogger Carroll, at 8:27 PM  

Kaley,
I know the pain of this day. I was thirty when my Mom died, two weeks to the day before David was born.
Even when you become a mother this day will carry with it a bitter sweetness. I have usually dreaded this day; even though I know it is now my day too.
This year I embraced it and I have to tell you it was a blessing for me.
Thank you for posting your eloquent thoughts.
I told your Dad and Lucas after your post on May 4th that I didn’t feel I had the right words to respond. I still don’t. But, at your Dad’s encouragement I wanted you to know we care and your loss is felt by others as well.
I know we can’t possibly feel it the same way, but I certainly can relate and know first hand how hard it is to have only your memories on Mother’s Day.
My advice is to embrace the many firsts you will have to face this year and fill your heart with your Mother’s love! Your ache only comes as a result of great love. There is no greater gift than love that a mother can give her children. You and Lucas were certainly blessed!
You are certainly in my (our) thoughts.
With love, Rose and the Goulets

By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:57 PM  

Kaley I told my daughter, Gillian, today that the most important gift a mother can give her children is unconditional love. Janet obviously gave you that. It doesn't mean we don't see our children's "issues," only that we support and encourage and lift them up no matter what. I think the trite, but true, phrase is giving your children "Roots and Wings." My own belief is that dreams really can carry messages from another level of existence. And I believe your Mom is talking to you from that place. For you she is the perfect Mom :)

By Anonymous SusanG, at 9:17 PM  

Kaley, my sweet Kaley! You continue to amaze me, and make me so proud. I so miss your Mother, but you are my rock-thank you for being so strong, and for sharing your love for Mom with everyone. And thank you for the daily calls, and these marvelous blog entries. Life will never be quite the same, but that doesn't mean that it won't be good. As you note, this is the 'first holiday'- and a particular poignant one- without her. We will move on, with marvelous memories of the many great times we had. I am so thankful for what a great job your Mom did in raising you and Lucas--perhaps I helped a bit, but it was Janet who so made you and Lucas the bright, strong and loving children that you are. This was a 'tough day' for me, but you and Lucas have helped me through it.

We will have many more marvelous times together as a family -- we will miss your Mom, but we will delight in many great memories of her.

Love,

Your Dad

By Anonymous Dave, at 9:53 PM  

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