Monday, May 04, 2009
It’s my mom telling me to lighten up. Not everything has to be dark and enigmatic – some things really are as simple as a tulip.
And so here I am, being sentimental, because goddamnit, remembering my mom is sentimental. It’s springtime. How delightfully ironic. The little book that I have that talks about loss suggests that I “do not resent springtime”. To be honest, the thought never even crossed my mind – the sun, the flowers, all feel like delicious hot water on a mosquito bite, gradually easing the pain without covering it up. A clichéd but indispensable reminder that life goes on, a warm, sunny world to make my bed. This is how I’ve been living – using the loss of my mother as a context, making every flower that much more meaningful, the blue of the sky like her eyes, the sun like one of her warm hugs.
There are very, very bitter times, too, and my body informs me of these physiologically – sleep has been an unreliable friend in recent times, present and warm and enveloping for a week and then fleeting and acrid the next. It takes enormous strength to allow the roller coaster to happen, because when any kind of control is attempted, the balance of grief (complex as it is) will crash and destroy the beauty I do see in the budding flowers. To step away from my own emotional life and let it run, independent, is the only way of living truthfully now.
I can only hope that I let this hole left in me become something beautiful. Right now, I am simply puzzled by it. I am still a child, lost in a field without her mother, using my base navigational skills to find my way; and now I have to let those skills become something. Let the hole become a shrine, a place of rest for her memory.
On a lighter note, I know that one of the best things about seeing so many of you at my mom’s service was connecting and telling stories, and taking on my new responsibility of being the “news –bearer” of our family. So I’ll start a little on this blog, and then I would appreciate e-mail addresses for there are many of you (her high school friends!) that I would love to keep up with in a more personal way.
I just had one major success in my life, which was passing the biggest audition of my college career! I had to audition to gain Performance status to my major, a very big honor that is reserved only for those who the music faculty think can appropriately pursue graduate school and eventually a professional career in performance. I made it, and now I can relax into my voice and know that I have the support to pursue my passion. I’m almost finished with my 3rd year at Whitman, and can’t wait to graduate and get out into that big scary world. This summer, I’ll be mostly in Seattle, where I’ll attend the Seattle Academy of Baroque Opera Accademia d’Amore program, a workshop exploring operatic literature from the 17th and 18th centuries. Several other opera programs have expressed interest and so I may spend part of the summer in Vancouver, or perhaps Hawaii, if all goes well!
My brother and Magali have been living, working, and playing hard in Seattle, and are now currently weighing their options for the future. The world is definitely their playground!
My wonderful father, aside from being constantly on the other line of the telephone for me, is doing his best to stop and smell the roses, as he’s gone back to work and been spending time with all of his wonderful friends who support him no matter what. We’ve all been planning a trip to Europe this summer which will be a much needed exploration and diversion from our hardships, and a great opportunity to spend time together.
Thanks for checking the blog, and make sure you do so from time to time! I have several ideas for future posts, so it won’t be going away completely!
13 Comments:
Kaley thanks for posting. I check daily. You are very wise to understand that success on the sometimes turbulent river of Life lies in surrender. Congratulations on your vocal success! I would love to hear you...is is possible to take a short video clip on your phone and post it so we could download it here? Just a phrase would help me understand Janet's joy and pride in your gift.
By 
, at
8:00 PM
I'll see what I can do!
By 
Kaley Lane Eaton, at
9:34 PM
I just love you to pieces Kaley!
:) Denise
By , at
11:46 PM
It's so good to hear from you Kaley! You and Lucas and your Dad are in our thoughts and prayers every day. Please keep in touch with us, your family, too. We're proud of all of you and your successes.
Kathy and Jim
By , at
10:14 AM
God bless you for posting. I, too, check nearly every day. It's heartwarming to read of the ways you are connecting your mom to your life now. I think you are absolutely right in seeing her in the good and hearing her through the filter of great memories. You, of all people. would know best what she would think and say to you - because you have had the privilege of her wisdom your entire life.
I won't give an email - I'm not a family friend. Just a faithful fan of you both. Post when you can. We are looking in on you all.
Chris (in VA)
By , at
3:54 PM
Hi there Kaley, It's good to hear your voice in your writing. You describe the feelings and sensations of seeing the world from a new, different and sometimes difficult place. Your writing is a blessing. Thanks for doing it! I am delighted to hear of your musical successes and plans as well! I'll send you my e-mail address by snail mail or you can get it from your dad.
You are close in thoughts and prayers. Vida
By , at
8:17 PM
Thanks for your wonderful post. I can't believe a month and a half has already passed, and yet it seems like we were sitting around your dining room table last night. IT is so good to hear from you and I would love to keep in touch. I will drop a line ( yep - an actual paper letter) in the mail with an email address. In the meantime you and yours are in my thoughts so often and in my prayers always. Janet would be - no IS- so proud of you. Blessing to you, from (now) your "ich" friend, Leslie
By , at
7:03 PM
Kaley - The last time I saw you - you were just a little girl. I'm your Aunt Kathy's sister, Debbie, and also a friend of your Aunt Shirley. Although you described yourself as still a child, I detect a maturity beyond your years. You are absolutely correct in describing this as a "roller coaster" ride. My only advice is just to hang on and ride it out. My son and I experienced this same ride when his father died. My thoughts are with you and the rest of your family. I'll check back from time to time.
Debbie
By , at
8:34 PM
It was always nice to see the porch light (Bloglines) on here, and, startling as it is now, it's still wonderful to sit on the swing a bit if you're pouring the tea.
Brava, Kaley, on your welcome news. Somewhere your mom is beaming with pride, as are all of us!
Thank you so much for taking time to let us know what is going on with you & your family. I think about your mom & your family almost everyday and always hope you are all getting along ok. I miss talking to Janet, and I am so happy you are keeping her blog going. She was a part of alot of peoples lives.
Take care
SuzfromIll
one other thing.....how is Apolo doing?
By , at
9:41 PM
Congratulations on achieving Performance status, Kaley -- that's a huge step toward your future career!
I too am just a blog friend who never met your Mom, but I thank you for carrying on as the bearer of the family news. We really do care about all of you (and sweet Apolo too!) and it will be wonderful to pop back from time to time to hear about your travels, and yes, even your travails should you see fit to share those too.
Nice to "see" you again, Kaley. Congratulations on the performance distinction and the opera program! If you make it to Hawaii, Emily is living with her husband right outside of Honolulu in Hawaii Kai. They have a guest room and the inside scoop on Hawaiian shave ice and snorkleing.
By sarah.beaudrie, at
9:30 AM
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