Mukilteo Musings

Thursday, June 04, 2009

Today I was alone in my house, like every day. It’s a big house to inhabit alone. No matter how old we are, solitude in a big house brings the unknown to the forefront. Especially doors – they loom, mysterious. What’ s behind them. When you’re alone, you can’t ask anyone, “hey, what do you think is behind that door?”

And then when there’s wind – they open, and shut. Or is it the wind?

My mom always made me believe in ghosts. “They’re not scary,” she would say, “if my dad came to see me as a ghost I’d be thrilled!” This always scared the shit out of me. Frankly, while I wished that I had known my grandfather, I didn’t want to see him back from the dead. It didn’t help that, so casually, without the slightest care of scaring out of my mind, my mother asserted that her dad inhabited the house my grandmother currently lived in, and probably watched me sleep at night because he loved me.

Seriously mom?! Why did you tell that to a little kid?

So when we visited grandma, on top of it all, my bedroom was in the basement. A large, musty, damp room with no natural light, I slept in the corner, the opposite corner of which was a dark, concrete laundry room. There were noises. And creepy little porcelain figures above my head (that had apparently belonged to my grandfather), random trinkets, black and white photographs of seemingly unhappy ancestors, all staring at me while I slept. Not to mention the gigantic moose antlers that jutted out from the wall across from me.

Every time I heard a noise, my heart rate skyrocketed. It’s him. He’s finally here. Oh my god. What do I do? What do I say? Go away!! Go away!! I’m not ready to meet a ghost, I don’t care who you are!! And then the noises would stop; I would lay alert for a time, and then gradually drift off into childhood oblivion.

Now, I await a different ghost.

And now I finally understood what my mother meant – why she wasn’t afraid of her dad.

In this big house, my mom lives. Coming home from college was jarring, unexpectedly harsh; for how could I be here, and she isn’t? But living in this space for a week now has, you could say, acquainted me with this supernatural of which my mom was always so cheerfully aware.

I’m not afraid; I’m excited.

Today, as I sat at my computer in the dining room, lazing in the sun, I heard doors open and shut in my mom and dad’s bedroom. That’s where she died. Yes, it’s windy here on the water, and yes, the pressure does do strange things to the door. But at the specific time of day when I’m used to hearing my mother primping in the bathroom, the doors always speak.

I don’t know what’s behind them. But I open them to see, after the noises. And every time, I hope with every part of me that I’ll see her.

But I suppose feeling her is enough. Now I know why she was never scared.

// posted by Kaley Lane Eaton @ 8:25 PM

9 Comments:

Thank you for keeping up your mom's blog. In a way I still come here thinking I will see a post about Seattle, whales, her very much loved family & her loved Apolo. We are all hoping to see something of your mom...and none of us are afraid. She is there watching over all of you.

SuzfromIll

By Anonymous, at 9:14 PM

Kaley,
I love this entry...
.... It warmed my heart....

<3 Denise

By Anonymous, at 4:06 PM

For all the years that I knew your Mom, she was never afraid of the unknown. Actually more interested and curious than anything. And her understanding of life after death was solid and entrenched in her from - well probably the day she was born- but certainly since I knew her when she was 12 or so. When her grandmother in Deerlodge passed away, I remember she said she would wear purple to the funeral because after all it was a celebration of passing to the next life. Although I believe this too, her sure and certain understanding of this (at our young age) was like finding a rock to lean on in a storm.
I'm sure her living spirit is with you and your family and always will be -in a very very good way.
Much love, Leslie

By Anonymous, at 9:14 PM

Kaley, this is really an excellent piece! I have a feeling your mother will be excited to see you coming into your own as a writer through this medium you've chosen to share with her. Thank you for continuing to share it with us!

By Carroll, at 8:19 PM

Kaley, I too hope with every part of me that I will see her. And I know I will when we meet in Heaven. Until then I have no doubt she is with us everyday. Love, Cathy

By Anonymous, at 8:54 AM

I don't believe Heaven's way off there and we are here. It's all the same. I believe your Mom is here, just in a different, contiguous, dimension. At least that's my church's teaching. It's a great comfort to know that we are in the presence of the Great Ones, and the ones who were great in our life. As always, thank you for sharing Kaley. We were at a violin concert by young violinists today. A senior played the Mendelssohn E minor concerto. I was hoping she was going to Whitman, but she's going to Lawrence, in Kansas. But I thought of you as I listened to this very talented muscian. :)

By SusanG, at 5:52 PM

Hi Kaley,
This was a delightful post. Thanks for sharing your journey with us.
Tina and Paul are here at the lake with John and me tonight. We made a dinner that would have made your mom smile, starting with the salade au chevre chaud. It was outstanding, stinky goat cheese and all! It will be one more lovely memory of her and you. Sending our love, Vida, Tina, Paul, and John
6/8/09

By Anonymous, at 8:04 PM

Kaley, thanks for sharing another 'first' with us. Janet should be proud that you tackled another milestone with grace, courage, and spunk. She taught you well, and now you understand. And you help us understand and feel a little less sad, and remind us constantly the joy and that Janet-ish wisdom we came to love her by.

-Susan/sonia

By SusanInCA, at 4:09 PM

I'm sorry to hear that Janet passed away. Two years ago i stumbled over her blog and from then on I would often check it. I enjoy reading about Seattle and your family. All my prayers to you and your family all the way from the Philippines.

By Anonymous, at 6:02 PM

Mukilteo Musings

Thursday, June 04, 2009

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