Wednesday, December 31, 2008
Happy New Year?
On Monday, we met with my oncologist. He was out of the country when the results of my last CT scan were available so he wanted to talk with us about my new chemo regimen. No new information was provided but being faced with the reality of my situation again upset me.
This morning I woke up realizing it was New Year's Eve and all I wanted was to wake up from this bad dream. I was not feeling well because the chemo is hard on my gastrointestinal system. From about 8:30 to 9:30 AM, I am in pain. After I take medications, I start to feel a little better. But this morning, I fell apart during that hour. I shed a lot of tears and said I could not take anymore of this. "It is not fair! I hate this! It is so hard!"
I realized I need to vent like that now and then. It is ok to get mad at my situation. After the meds kicked in and my tears stopped, I felt much better. Sometimes I think I am trying to be a little too strong by trying not to cry or fall apart.
We went into Everett for my pre-chemo blood draw this morning. Another woman about my age was in the lab waiting area and I noticed she was crying. It made me feel not alone although I have no idea why she was shedding tears. For all I know, she was crying about a smashed up car from the snow. But still...!
At the moment, I am feeling quite well, actually. Again, I am feeling positive. These doctors have a lot of tricks up their sleeves and if one thing doesn't work, they have other options--especially for colon cancer. I am not done yet. I AM strong and my oncologist was impressed with how I am handling both the physical and emotional effects of the chemo.
I pray for good results and success with my treatments in 2009. On the way back from my blood draw, we even stopped at the drug store to look for party hats for tonight. Thank goodness we are on the west coast. I can watch the greeting of the New Year in New York and still comply with my early bedtime.
On Monday, we met with my oncologist. He was out of the country when the results of my last CT scan were available so he wanted to talk with us about my new chemo regimen. No new information was provided but being faced with the reality of my situation again upset me.
This morning I woke up realizing it was New Year's Eve and all I wanted was to wake up from this bad dream. I was not feeling well because the chemo is hard on my gastrointestinal system. From about 8:30 to 9:30 AM, I am in pain. After I take medications, I start to feel a little better. But this morning, I fell apart during that hour. I shed a lot of tears and said I could not take anymore of this. "It is not fair! I hate this! It is so hard!"
I realized I need to vent like that now and then. It is ok to get mad at my situation. After the meds kicked in and my tears stopped, I felt much better. Sometimes I think I am trying to be a little too strong by trying not to cry or fall apart.
We went into Everett for my pre-chemo blood draw this morning. Another woman about my age was in the lab waiting area and I noticed she was crying. It made me feel not alone although I have no idea why she was shedding tears. For all I know, she was crying about a smashed up car from the snow. But still...!
At the moment, I am feeling quite well, actually. Again, I am feeling positive. These doctors have a lot of tricks up their sleeves and if one thing doesn't work, they have other options--especially for colon cancer. I am not done yet. I AM strong and my oncologist was impressed with how I am handling both the physical and emotional effects of the chemo.
I pray for good results and success with my treatments in 2009. On the way back from my blood draw, we even stopped at the drug store to look for party hats for tonight. Thank goodness we are on the west coast. I can watch the greeting of the New Year in New York and still comply with my early bedtime.
// posted by Janet @ 11:47 AM
5 comments
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Church Today
It is difficult for me to get anywhere or do much of anything in the mornings. Happily, I made it to church today with Lucas, Dave, and Kaley and was able to listen to Kaley sing three solo Christmas carols. The entire service was enjoyable. Two babies were baptized and along with them we all renewed our Baptismal vows. The music director also had a brass quartet playing carols before during and after the service. Our priest's sermon was inspiring for me to think about the new year ahead.
Because of our treacherous weather, many people did not make it to church on Christmas eve but today the church was full. Our outreach to needy families with gifts and groceries has been delayed until this week so we did not feel left out of this ministry. The morning was joyful. Christmas is just getting started and off the ground around here. After church, Kaley even drove herself to the mall to shop along with everybody else which she had not been able to do since arriving home. Although the snow is pretty much gone at our house, the white stuff is still very much around up the hill and in the church parking lot but the streets are drivable at least around here.
Our priest, who lives only 25 or 30 minutes away from the church, has really struggled with the snow making this a difficult Christmas for her. Where she lives, in Woodinville, has been dumped on and dumped on. Even today, she went off the road from her home and did not make our early service. I was thankful she made it to the 10 AM service since I had my own challenges, too.
Our priest, Cynthia, at her home on Christmas Day BEFORE another 6 inches of snow fell.
UPDATE: Here is a link to Cynthia's wonderful Christmas column in the Worship section of our local paper, the Mukilteo Beacon:
http://www.lifenotnews.com/mukilteo1/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=791&Itemid=47
It is difficult for me to get anywhere or do much of anything in the mornings. Happily, I made it to church today with Lucas, Dave, and Kaley and was able to listen to Kaley sing three solo Christmas carols. The entire service was enjoyable. Two babies were baptized and along with them we all renewed our Baptismal vows. The music director also had a brass quartet playing carols before during and after the service. Our priest's sermon was inspiring for me to think about the new year ahead.
Because of our treacherous weather, many people did not make it to church on Christmas eve but today the church was full. Our outreach to needy families with gifts and groceries has been delayed until this week so we did not feel left out of this ministry. The morning was joyful. Christmas is just getting started and off the ground around here. After church, Kaley even drove herself to the mall to shop along with everybody else which she had not been able to do since arriving home. Although the snow is pretty much gone at our house, the white stuff is still very much around up the hill and in the church parking lot but the streets are drivable at least around here.
Our priest, who lives only 25 or 30 minutes away from the church, has really struggled with the snow making this a difficult Christmas for her. Where she lives, in Woodinville, has been dumped on and dumped on. Even today, she went off the road from her home and did not make our early service. I was thankful she made it to the 10 AM service since I had my own challenges, too.
Our priest, Cynthia, at her home on Christmas Day BEFORE another 6 inches of snow fell.
UPDATE: Here is a link to Cynthia's wonderful Christmas column in the Worship section of our local paper, the Mukilteo Beacon:
http://www.lifenotnews.com/mukilteo1/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=791&Itemid=47
// posted by Janet @ 2:31 PM
0 comments
Saturday, December 27, 2008
Christmas Follow Up
I was blessed with feeling quite good on Christmas day. We managed to get in a walk through the snow and slush and we had good friends come over for a glass of wine in the afternoon. After dinner, we tried to get Lucas and Kaley to sing or play some carols on their instruments. Kaley responded we could hear her in church on Sunday where she will do some solo Christmas music. Lucas pulled out his viola and I sat at the piano with my neuropathies to try to plunk out some music. Lucas followed me along and Apolo decided or instinctively joined in with his wolf howling. He walked right up to us at the piano and loudly crooned. I swear he was actually singing Jingle Bells---not in tune, of course, much to Kaley's chagrin. We were all laughing hysterically. The nurse who unhooks me from my pump has a Golden Retriever and she says they are God's angels on earth. If so, you'd think Apolo could at least sing on key.
Still, we have not received all of our UPS packages even though it is now 40 degrees and our snow is disappearing quickly. Yesterday, one of my presents for Dave came as did Kaley's presents for Dave and me. We are still missing Kaley's gift to Lucas and three gifts for Dave, Lucas and Kaley from me. Christmas will continue for us next week.
I keep thinking about Apolo being an angel. I'm not so sure although I cannot imagine going through the struggles I am having without him. His favorite place to be is right next to me on my couch perch. I find it soothing to pet him when I am not feeling so good. Other times he is obnoxious about wanting his walk or his food and his barking drives Dave nuts. He almost ended up on the Golden Retriever Dog Rescue website the other day. Usually, we turn our furnace off at night but the other night when the temperature dropped to 10 degrees, we left it on. Apparently, our little angel is afraid of the furnace noise at night and he barked every hour when it kicked on. Dave was up all night with him trying to calm him down. Lately, we have been willing to risk frozen pipes by turning off the furnace and sure enough, Apolo sleeps soundly.
Apolo has another tiny issue. He takes slippers right off your feet or he finds them in closets. He loves to chew on slippers. Needless to say, slippers are a regular Christmas gift in this house as replacements. Dave bought me slippers this year. Immediately after I opened them, Apolo shoved his head down in the box and ran off with his eyes peeking through the open side of the box. Of course, he proceeded to destroy the box. Later in the day, I noticed black buttons on my slippers but without the box, we had no clue. Upon further inspection, Lucas discovered a place for batteries. Evidently, they are massage slippers which Dave had not noticed when he bought them. Batteries have created the most wonderful dog deterrent. Apolo tried to steal my slippers and one push on the black buttons and off he ran with his ears pulled back. Because of the neuropathy in my feet, I cannot feel the massage but no longer do I have to worry about an "angel" destroying my cozy slippers.
The last two days I have not felt as well as I did on Christmas Day. But I am grateful my Christmas day was truly wonderful. Now I am going back upstairs to hug and cuddle with my golden furry angel. And he will not touch my new Christmas slippers!
I was blessed with feeling quite good on Christmas day. We managed to get in a walk through the snow and slush and we had good friends come over for a glass of wine in the afternoon. After dinner, we tried to get Lucas and Kaley to sing or play some carols on their instruments. Kaley responded we could hear her in church on Sunday where she will do some solo Christmas music. Lucas pulled out his viola and I sat at the piano with my neuropathies to try to plunk out some music. Lucas followed me along and Apolo decided or instinctively joined in with his wolf howling. He walked right up to us at the piano and loudly crooned. I swear he was actually singing Jingle Bells---not in tune, of course, much to Kaley's chagrin. We were all laughing hysterically. The nurse who unhooks me from my pump has a Golden Retriever and she says they are God's angels on earth. If so, you'd think Apolo could at least sing on key.
Still, we have not received all of our UPS packages even though it is now 40 degrees and our snow is disappearing quickly. Yesterday, one of my presents for Dave came as did Kaley's presents for Dave and me. We are still missing Kaley's gift to Lucas and three gifts for Dave, Lucas and Kaley from me. Christmas will continue for us next week.
I keep thinking about Apolo being an angel. I'm not so sure although I cannot imagine going through the struggles I am having without him. His favorite place to be is right next to me on my couch perch. I find it soothing to pet him when I am not feeling so good. Other times he is obnoxious about wanting his walk or his food and his barking drives Dave nuts. He almost ended up on the Golden Retriever Dog Rescue website the other day. Usually, we turn our furnace off at night but the other night when the temperature dropped to 10 degrees, we left it on. Apparently, our little angel is afraid of the furnace noise at night and he barked every hour when it kicked on. Dave was up all night with him trying to calm him down. Lately, we have been willing to risk frozen pipes by turning off the furnace and sure enough, Apolo sleeps soundly.
Apolo has another tiny issue. He takes slippers right off your feet or he finds them in closets. He loves to chew on slippers. Needless to say, slippers are a regular Christmas gift in this house as replacements. Dave bought me slippers this year. Immediately after I opened them, Apolo shoved his head down in the box and ran off with his eyes peeking through the open side of the box. Of course, he proceeded to destroy the box. Later in the day, I noticed black buttons on my slippers but without the box, we had no clue. Upon further inspection, Lucas discovered a place for batteries. Evidently, they are massage slippers which Dave had not noticed when he bought them. Batteries have created the most wonderful dog deterrent. Apolo tried to steal my slippers and one push on the black buttons and off he ran with his ears pulled back. Because of the neuropathy in my feet, I cannot feel the massage but no longer do I have to worry about an "angel" destroying my cozy slippers.
The last two days I have not felt as well as I did on Christmas Day. But I am grateful my Christmas day was truly wonderful. Now I am going back upstairs to hug and cuddle with my golden furry angel. And he will not touch my new Christmas slippers!
// posted by Janet @ 4:30 PM
1 comments
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Merry Christmas
Dave had no presents from me under the tree thanks to our snow and UPS. It seems as though FedEx had fewer problems. They managed to get my online orders to Montana in horrible weather conditions on the day I requested. But getting packages from Everett to Mukilteo by UPS? Nope. Kaley's presents to us also did not make it so we will continue to have Christmas in the tradition of the twelve days until Epiphany on January 6.
Dave's present to me was a new cell phone since my other one died a while back. When he handed it to me to open it was ringing. He had stopped the service to my old phone when he purchased this one. When I opened it, there was a video message from a blonde little girl. Immediately, I assumed it was a promotional message from Verizon. But no, the darling little girl was singing Jingle Bells and Kaley recognized her as my nephew's daughter clear from Glendive, Montana. It was hilarious to receive that as my first message on my new phone.
Christmas present always reminds us of times past. Two of my childhood buddies, Vida and Cathy, called me the other night and we had a little conference call from Billings, Montana. We started to talk about the Christmas of the "Barbie." Montana was a couple of years late to the initial craze of the very first Barbie dolls. For us, they hit Helena when we were in the fourth grade, Christmas 1963. Vida and I were both devastated to not receive our Barbies from Santa that Christmas. Of course, Cathy got hers plus some accessories. They were expensive dolls in those days with intricate and well-made clothes. If I recall, the price was $4.00 which these days would be about $20 or $30 and the clothes were even more expensive. Vida told the story of how a couple of days after Christmas, her Dad took her to the one store in Helena which carried the doll. After some discussion and tears, her Dad relented. As for me, I knew my birthday was coming in two weeks so I had another chance. Sure enough, my Barbie was my birthday present along with doll clothes my Mom had made. My Mom did not remember me being upset about not getting Barbie from Santa but she surmised she delayed the gift so she could finish making the clothes for it.
We have had a nice Christmas today even if we did not receive all of our UPS packages. Apolo ate his share of wrapping paper and cardboard and as usual, we laughed at him a number of times. Christmas is more than undelivered or unreceived presents. The most important Gift of all to us will never let us down.
Merry Christmas. May the Joy and Peace of Christ be with each and every one.
Love to all,
Janet
Dave had no presents from me under the tree thanks to our snow and UPS. It seems as though FedEx had fewer problems. They managed to get my online orders to Montana in horrible weather conditions on the day I requested. But getting packages from Everett to Mukilteo by UPS? Nope. Kaley's presents to us also did not make it so we will continue to have Christmas in the tradition of the twelve days until Epiphany on January 6.
Dave's present to me was a new cell phone since my other one died a while back. When he handed it to me to open it was ringing. He had stopped the service to my old phone when he purchased this one. When I opened it, there was a video message from a blonde little girl. Immediately, I assumed it was a promotional message from Verizon. But no, the darling little girl was singing Jingle Bells and Kaley recognized her as my nephew's daughter clear from Glendive, Montana. It was hilarious to receive that as my first message on my new phone.
Christmas present always reminds us of times past. Two of my childhood buddies, Vida and Cathy, called me the other night and we had a little conference call from Billings, Montana. We started to talk about the Christmas of the "Barbie." Montana was a couple of years late to the initial craze of the very first Barbie dolls. For us, they hit Helena when we were in the fourth grade, Christmas 1963. Vida and I were both devastated to not receive our Barbies from Santa that Christmas. Of course, Cathy got hers plus some accessories. They were expensive dolls in those days with intricate and well-made clothes. If I recall, the price was $4.00 which these days would be about $20 or $30 and the clothes were even more expensive. Vida told the story of how a couple of days after Christmas, her Dad took her to the one store in Helena which carried the doll. After some discussion and tears, her Dad relented. As for me, I knew my birthday was coming in two weeks so I had another chance. Sure enough, my Barbie was my birthday present along with doll clothes my Mom had made. My Mom did not remember me being upset about not getting Barbie from Santa but she surmised she delayed the gift so she could finish making the clothes for it.
We have had a nice Christmas today even if we did not receive all of our UPS packages. Apolo ate his share of wrapping paper and cardboard and as usual, we laughed at him a number of times. Christmas is more than undelivered or unreceived presents. The most important Gift of all to us will never let us down.
Merry Christmas. May the Joy and Peace of Christ be with each and every one.
Love to all,
Janet
// posted by Janet @ 2:28 PM
6 comments
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Dreaming of a White Christmas----NOT!
Seattle had ten inches of snow. I was a little concerned about getting to my chemo yesterday but Dave got me there. And my regular nurse made it there, too. I didn't want my schedule to be off. Thank goodness Dave is such a good driver in the snow. His Montana upbringing along with an accident or two as a teen in the snow has served him well. The hills in our neighborhood are so steep that the main problem is driving up and out and back down again. Lucas actually slid off the street two blocks away and Dave had to get him out and on his way to work before we left for my chemo.
The paralysis in the Puget Sound area is astonishing. We have had snow on the ground without melting for well over a week and we cannot handle it. They have not picked up our garbage or recycling for two weeks and now they will not pick it up until after Christmas. We are overflowing with stinky crab and clam shells. If we leave it outside, I fear the eagles will dive bomb us. We actually recycle more than we throw away and we have no more room anywhere for paper and plastic and Christmas day will probably double it. We have not received our mail. We are not receiving one of our newspapers. I have not received the presents I ordered online for my family from UPS. The airport has been a mess. Lucas is taking Magali to the airport as I write this for her trip home to the French Alps to be with her family. For her sake, I hope it is all a go. Amtrack couldn't get going. Greyhound has had people sleeping in shelters and on the buses for three and four days. We are expecting more snow tomorrow. Hopefully, it will not interfere with detachment from my pump.
We did have a good laugh this morning at the lead article in the Seattle Times. Apparently, the powers that be have decided not to use salt on our roads because of increased pollution to Puget Sound. WHAT?? I mean, I get miffed at people who do not clean up after their dogs because canine fecal coliform is one of the biggest threats to the Sound. But salt? Puget Sound IS salt water. Dave, the scientist, could not believe this article. He said the additional percentage of salinity added to Puget Sound from using salt on our icy streets for a week is miniscule. But no. It is true. They are worried about the salt:
"If we were using salt, you'd see patches of bare road because salt is very effective," Wiggins said. "We decided not to utilize salt because it's not a healthy addition to Puget Sound."
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2008551284_snowcleanup23m.html
Kaley said the old hippies that run our city need to put their heads on straight. I agree. We try to be green with our living in this family but this is ridiculous. Dave said adding more salt to Puget Sound is like being worried about adding fresh water to it. Oh, ONLY IN SEATTLE!
Here are a couple of pictures. I like the snow. It is beautiful. But Seattle, city of seven big hills and a million smaller ones, cannot deal with more than one day of the white stuff.
Downtown Seattle by Mike Siegel/Seattle Times
Lucas and Magali's finishing touches! Vive la France!
Seattle had ten inches of snow. I was a little concerned about getting to my chemo yesterday but Dave got me there. And my regular nurse made it there, too. I didn't want my schedule to be off. Thank goodness Dave is such a good driver in the snow. His Montana upbringing along with an accident or two as a teen in the snow has served him well. The hills in our neighborhood are so steep that the main problem is driving up and out and back down again. Lucas actually slid off the street two blocks away and Dave had to get him out and on his way to work before we left for my chemo.
The paralysis in the Puget Sound area is astonishing. We have had snow on the ground without melting for well over a week and we cannot handle it. They have not picked up our garbage or recycling for two weeks and now they will not pick it up until after Christmas. We are overflowing with stinky crab and clam shells. If we leave it outside, I fear the eagles will dive bomb us. We actually recycle more than we throw away and we have no more room anywhere for paper and plastic and Christmas day will probably double it. We have not received our mail. We are not receiving one of our newspapers. I have not received the presents I ordered online for my family from UPS. The airport has been a mess. Lucas is taking Magali to the airport as I write this for her trip home to the French Alps to be with her family. For her sake, I hope it is all a go. Amtrack couldn't get going. Greyhound has had people sleeping in shelters and on the buses for three and four days. We are expecting more snow tomorrow. Hopefully, it will not interfere with detachment from my pump.
We did have a good laugh this morning at the lead article in the Seattle Times. Apparently, the powers that be have decided not to use salt on our roads because of increased pollution to Puget Sound. WHAT?? I mean, I get miffed at people who do not clean up after their dogs because canine fecal coliform is one of the biggest threats to the Sound. But salt? Puget Sound IS salt water. Dave, the scientist, could not believe this article. He said the additional percentage of salinity added to Puget Sound from using salt on our icy streets for a week is miniscule. But no. It is true. They are worried about the salt:
"If we were using salt, you'd see patches of bare road because salt is very effective," Wiggins said. "We decided not to utilize salt because it's not a healthy addition to Puget Sound."
http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2008551284_snowcleanup23m.html
Kaley said the old hippies that run our city need to put their heads on straight. I agree. We try to be green with our living in this family but this is ridiculous. Dave said adding more salt to Puget Sound is like being worried about adding fresh water to it. Oh, ONLY IN SEATTLE!
Here are a couple of pictures. I like the snow. It is beautiful. But Seattle, city of seven big hills and a million smaller ones, cannot deal with more than one day of the white stuff.
Downtown Seattle by Mike Siegel/Seattle Times
Lucas and Magali's finishing touches! Vive la France!
// posted by Janet @ 10:52 AM
2 comments
Sunday, December 21, 2008
Blanketed
Santa's back with his head still attached.
The Puget Sound area had another storm move through yesterday afternoon and last night. It was predicted to be crazy and insane with high winds and snow. Some areas did receive more extreme conditions than others. We did not have wind but we did end up with five more inches of snow on top of snow that never melted. This is highly unusual.
About a week and a half ago, I started to worry about how we would get our daughter home for Christmas. Clearly, I was not going to let her drive which she did successfully at Thanksgiving. Actually, they have had so much snow in Walla Walla that her car has been buried and out of sight for weeks. Kaley, being born and raised in Seattle, does not drive in the snow. One thought I had was to have Dave fly to Walla Walla and drive her home but the weather predictions were not looking good for this option. In fact, Snoqualmie Pass was closed last night and this morning. We managed to get her on a 6:55 AM Alaska/Horizon flight out of Walla Walla yesterday morning with only two seats left to Seattle. We lucked out with this window of opportunity because by yesterday afternoon most Alaska flights were cancelled as they are still today. Thousands are stranded at Sea-Tac airport indicated in the article linked below. Kaley has friends stuck in Walla Walla unable to get to Portland or anywhere else. Oh man, I am thankful she got here easily.
http://www.king5.com/topstories/stories/NW_122008WAB_flights_KS.81998a74.html
Last night, Lucas and Magali decided to hunker down with us for the storm. If the power goes out, we still have two fireplaces, a gas stove and an outdoor BBQ. In their little apartment in Seattle, they would have had trouble without power. But alas, the storm did not cause us too much trouble. We decided to go play in the snow last night. I was not feeling great nor am I this morning but I just had to go outside. Unfortunately, Apolo pulled my weak self down and I fell flat on my stomach and bumped my jaw. My left arm was a little twisted, too. It scared me because I am not supposed to bump my port access in my right shoulder. I was not really hurt at all but the episode upset me. After coming in the house and shedding a few tears, my wise daughter lectured me about how I need to embrace and accept how my body feels. The cancer drugs are doing their thing and the objective is to save my life. I do find myself feeling sorry for myself instead of recognizing that right at the moment, this is my life.
I knew there was a reason we lucked out on getting our beautiful daughter home. How is it that I ended up with such wonderful children? I thank God everyday for them.
Update: I ventured outside again and I did not fall this time. Ok, I was only out for a few minutes to take a picture of our snow person built by my kids.
Me, Magali, and Lucas
Santa's back with his head still attached.
The Puget Sound area had another storm move through yesterday afternoon and last night. It was predicted to be crazy and insane with high winds and snow. Some areas did receive more extreme conditions than others. We did not have wind but we did end up with five more inches of snow on top of snow that never melted. This is highly unusual.
About a week and a half ago, I started to worry about how we would get our daughter home for Christmas. Clearly, I was not going to let her drive which she did successfully at Thanksgiving. Actually, they have had so much snow in Walla Walla that her car has been buried and out of sight for weeks. Kaley, being born and raised in Seattle, does not drive in the snow. One thought I had was to have Dave fly to Walla Walla and drive her home but the weather predictions were not looking good for this option. In fact, Snoqualmie Pass was closed last night and this morning. We managed to get her on a 6:55 AM Alaska/Horizon flight out of Walla Walla yesterday morning with only two seats left to Seattle. We lucked out with this window of opportunity because by yesterday afternoon most Alaska flights were cancelled as they are still today. Thousands are stranded at Sea-Tac airport indicated in the article linked below. Kaley has friends stuck in Walla Walla unable to get to Portland or anywhere else. Oh man, I am thankful she got here easily.
http://www.king5.com/topstories/stories/NW_122008WAB_flights_KS.81998a74.html
Last night, Lucas and Magali decided to hunker down with us for the storm. If the power goes out, we still have two fireplaces, a gas stove and an outdoor BBQ. In their little apartment in Seattle, they would have had trouble without power. But alas, the storm did not cause us too much trouble. We decided to go play in the snow last night. I was not feeling great nor am I this morning but I just had to go outside. Unfortunately, Apolo pulled my weak self down and I fell flat on my stomach and bumped my jaw. My left arm was a little twisted, too. It scared me because I am not supposed to bump my port access in my right shoulder. I was not really hurt at all but the episode upset me. After coming in the house and shedding a few tears, my wise daughter lectured me about how I need to embrace and accept how my body feels. The cancer drugs are doing their thing and the objective is to save my life. I do find myself feeling sorry for myself instead of recognizing that right at the moment, this is my life.
I knew there was a reason we lucked out on getting our beautiful daughter home. How is it that I ended up with such wonderful children? I thank God everyday for them.
Update: I ventured outside again and I did not fall this time. Ok, I was only out for a few minutes to take a picture of our snow person built by my kids.
Me, Magali, and Lucas
// posted by Janet @ 11:44 AM
3 comments
Friday, December 19, 2008
Look for Each Day's Gifts
Like this morning's view out my back window:
Snow at sea level on Camano Island.
In addition, I have a list of more positive aspects of my life in the last couple of days:
1. Having my family around makes me feel more normal and it keeps my mind off of myself. Lucas and Magali have been here this week and they are such a delightful and funny couple of kids. I enjoy them. As I said below, my Mom was also here. There is nothing like having your Mom around when you do not feel well. She did create a problem, however. She would get up earlier than the rest of us and Apolo liked this very much. Now that she has left, he is waking us up way too early with his baby high pitched barks. He wants Grandma to get up with him, still.
2. The snow is gorgeous and we took a lovely walk in it yesterday afternoon. Apolo loves everything about it. He digs the ice and chases snow balls and rolls himself over and over.
3. My hair does not seem to be falling out anymore. The new drug may change this after the next couple of chemo sessions. But again, they told me that like the other chemo drug, this may thin my hair but should not cause it to all fall out. I really am grateful I am not bald. It is much too cold outside for that.
4. Three hours after my blood was drawn in Everett yesterday, I received a call from Seattle Cancer Care about my results. (Fast--I was impressed!) I was a little scared they would find something to delay my chemo session when I got the message or something more frightening. But no, everything is good to go for Monday except my potassium levels were a little low. No big deal except Dave had to take to the treacherous streets again to get me potassium pills. One of the side effects of low potassium is tiredness and after taking the pill last night, I do feel a little better this morning.
5. While Dave was at the store, he ran into Lucas' doctor who also happens to be a neighbor of ours. He told Dave the story of one of his patients with colon cancer much like mine with multiple liver tumors. This was six years ago and today she is fine. Dave coming home with a story like this was truly a wonderful gift for my spirits.
6. And finally, I have been hearing this weird noise in our bedroom ceiling. We have had rats up there before. But, it seems to be the weeping cedar hitting our new stone cold rubber roof. There was no breeze at all last night and the ceiling was quiet. Yes, for the gift of no rats----hopefully.
Look for the gifts in your daily lives. They are there if you are paying attention.
Like this morning's view out my back window:
Snow at sea level on Camano Island.
In addition, I have a list of more positive aspects of my life in the last couple of days:
1. Having my family around makes me feel more normal and it keeps my mind off of myself. Lucas and Magali have been here this week and they are such a delightful and funny couple of kids. I enjoy them. As I said below, my Mom was also here. There is nothing like having your Mom around when you do not feel well. She did create a problem, however. She would get up earlier than the rest of us and Apolo liked this very much. Now that she has left, he is waking us up way too early with his baby high pitched barks. He wants Grandma to get up with him, still.
2. The snow is gorgeous and we took a lovely walk in it yesterday afternoon. Apolo loves everything about it. He digs the ice and chases snow balls and rolls himself over and over.
3. My hair does not seem to be falling out anymore. The new drug may change this after the next couple of chemo sessions. But again, they told me that like the other chemo drug, this may thin my hair but should not cause it to all fall out. I really am grateful I am not bald. It is much too cold outside for that.
4. Three hours after my blood was drawn in Everett yesterday, I received a call from Seattle Cancer Care about my results. (Fast--I was impressed!) I was a little scared they would find something to delay my chemo session when I got the message or something more frightening. But no, everything is good to go for Monday except my potassium levels were a little low. No big deal except Dave had to take to the treacherous streets again to get me potassium pills. One of the side effects of low potassium is tiredness and after taking the pill last night, I do feel a little better this morning.
5. While Dave was at the store, he ran into Lucas' doctor who also happens to be a neighbor of ours. He told Dave the story of one of his patients with colon cancer much like mine with multiple liver tumors. This was six years ago and today she is fine. Dave coming home with a story like this was truly a wonderful gift for my spirits.
6. And finally, I have been hearing this weird noise in our bedroom ceiling. We have had rats up there before. But, it seems to be the weeping cedar hitting our new stone cold rubber roof. There was no breeze at all last night and the ceiling was quiet. Yes, for the gift of no rats----hopefully.
Look for the gifts in your daily lives. They are there if you are paying attention.
// posted by Janet @ 12:43 PM
7 comments
Thursday, December 18, 2008
The Paralysis of Snow in Seattle
Rather than melt away, the snow stayed and then it snowed some more. It is so weird how our huge mountain ranges influence where and when the snow falls. For example, we have about four or five inches but not too far north of here, they have two feet. All over the Puget Sound area, cars are abandoned and parts of our freeways are shut down. Schools are closed. TV coverage is round the clock showing cars, trucks, and buses sliding into one another.
My Mom was here for a few days to wait on me and her flight left yesterday. It was a good visit. The snow was supposed to hit then but it has hit last night and today instead. Today is my scheduled day to get my blood drawn before my Monday chemo so I was a little concerned when I awoke this morning to see on TV the mess created on our roads. We called the hospital and a couple of people made it to the lab. Dave has no fear of snow and ice so off we went.
Getting out of our neighborhood was tricky. The sanding trucks had not been through and the hills up and out of here were treacherous. Once we reached the freeway, we made it ok. Needless to say, I did not have to wait in line to get my blood work done. On the way home and back down our hills, it looked like the sand truck had been there. But, I could not believe how stingy they have been with the sand. Puget Sound was carved out by glaciers and it is bordered by trillions of tons of sand. It just seems to me they could drop a little more than a dab at each stop sign. The hills require much more. Three blocks from our house, Dave actually lost control a bit coming down a steep stretch. "Hey yikes, I do not need any more years knocked off my life at this point. I think I want to walk home!"
We made it. Lucas and Magali were planning to go to Mt. Rainier or Mt St. Helens to cross country ski but instead, they are up the hill at the high school track.
Rather than melt away, the snow stayed and then it snowed some more. It is so weird how our huge mountain ranges influence where and when the snow falls. For example, we have about four or five inches but not too far north of here, they have two feet. All over the Puget Sound area, cars are abandoned and parts of our freeways are shut down. Schools are closed. TV coverage is round the clock showing cars, trucks, and buses sliding into one another.
My Mom was here for a few days to wait on me and her flight left yesterday. It was a good visit. The snow was supposed to hit then but it has hit last night and today instead. Today is my scheduled day to get my blood drawn before my Monday chemo so I was a little concerned when I awoke this morning to see on TV the mess created on our roads. We called the hospital and a couple of people made it to the lab. Dave has no fear of snow and ice so off we went.
Getting out of our neighborhood was tricky. The sanding trucks had not been through and the hills up and out of here were treacherous. Once we reached the freeway, we made it ok. Needless to say, I did not have to wait in line to get my blood work done. On the way home and back down our hills, it looked like the sand truck had been there. But, I could not believe how stingy they have been with the sand. Puget Sound was carved out by glaciers and it is bordered by trillions of tons of sand. It just seems to me they could drop a little more than a dab at each stop sign. The hills require much more. Three blocks from our house, Dave actually lost control a bit coming down a steep stretch. "Hey yikes, I do not need any more years knocked off my life at this point. I think I want to walk home!"
We made it. Lucas and Magali were planning to go to Mt. Rainier or Mt St. Helens to cross country ski but instead, they are up the hill at the high school track.
// posted by Janet @ 1:20 PM
3 comments
Sunday, December 14, 2008
SNOW in Mukilteo!
Even when it snows up the street, we rarely get much snow down here at sea level. But last night we had a lovely snowfall and it happened while Lucas, Magali, Dave and I were decorating the downstairs Christmas tree. It was magical.
When I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I was stunned by the view from the bathroom. It was truly a winter wonderland. Cold temperatures are expected all week so the snow may stay around for a few days. This afternoon I took this photo of our house in the snow. Oh, and we put Santa's head back on.
Christmas Snow
Even when it snows up the street, we rarely get much snow down here at sea level. But last night we had a lovely snowfall and it happened while Lucas, Magali, Dave and I were decorating the downstairs Christmas tree. It was magical.
When I got up to use the bathroom in the middle of the night, I was stunned by the view from the bathroom. It was truly a winter wonderland. Cold temperatures are expected all week so the snow may stay around for a few days. This afternoon I took this photo of our house in the snow. Oh, and we put Santa's head back on.
Christmas Snow
// posted by Janet @ 4:25 PM
3 comments
Saturday, December 13, 2008
My Protectors
The eagles woke me up this morning with their squawking at 7:30 AM on the dot. It is ok because I think of them as my protectors. My comfy perch on the family room couch has a view of the water, the mountains, yes, the TV, and one of the eagles' favorite trees. I was just watching the two of them, probably a matched pair for life, sitting closely together on the very top of the tree. One of them, maybe the female, started talking and her partner left the top of the tree and swooped in a circle as if he did not like her yelling in his ear about something. "You missed that dead fish--how could you mess up such an easy prey, Elliot!" At this point, the second eagle also left the tree top and swooped in a circle with the other one. Then they both landed together back on the same exact spot. I guess all is forgiven.
Yesterday, the Puget Sound area had a storm with wind and rain and snow dumping in the mountains. We have had a leaky window in our downstairs den since we moved into this house. The water always came from our front deck right above the window. But thanks to advice from my brother and our bathroom contractor, Dave may have actually fixed it last summer with some extra flashing under the Trex decking. The sideways pounding rain yesterday did not leak through. Yea for small victories in life.
Poor Apolo. He hates the wind and the gushing rain. We have a Santa on our front deck who waves when he is lit up. Unfortunately, the wind blew his head off and Apolo could not deal with a headless Santa waving into the dark last night. He became completely unglued. One of our neighbors has a blow up Santa and when the wind causes him to bounce around and do push ups, Apolo is equally as frightened. He has a definite scared bark that ends with a "woo, woo, woo, WOOOOOO!" Yep, Apolo still asks to sleep downstairs especially with ghostly Santas haunting him in the family room.
While the storm moved in yesterday, I felt well enough to pull out the rest of my Christmas decorations. I thoroughly enjoyed the annual routine of putting everything in its place. Every year, I pretty much do the same thing. Rather than making me sad, the day provided comfort. For that I was grateful. The only glitch was that I could not find Lucas' two Christmas stockings that we have had since he was a baby. He was in France last year so somehow his stockings became separated from Kaley's. All of our Christmas boxes were moved around and out of our storage closet about 18 times by the contractors last winter. But luckily, Dave found them this morning.
The only sad part of yesterday was when Dave returned home from work with his story. He attended his office party and as usual, he took a request for the needy off of the giving tree. Rather than a plush toy for a child in a family having a tough time, the request was for sleeping bags and handwarmers for homeless teenagers. He was shocked. This year we have more people in desperate need than ever before in this country. Dave stopped at a sporting goods store and purchased two sleeping bags and handwarmers all of the time thinking that they were not joyous presents. Certainly, they will be used and appreciated but still....! Sleeping bags and handwarmers?? What are we not doing right in this nation?
This Christmas, my prayer is for everyone to slow down the frenzied shopping, cooking, and card sending. Enjoy the season because life is terribly short and you never know how many Christmases you will have on earth. Think about why we celebrate. This is the time of the birth of our Savior. I repeat, this is the time of the birth of our Savior. Wal-Mart has nothing to do with it. Take time from the frenzy to do something for the huge numbers of us in great need.
And who cares if Santa's head blows off?!
The eagles woke me up this morning with their squawking at 7:30 AM on the dot. It is ok because I think of them as my protectors. My comfy perch on the family room couch has a view of the water, the mountains, yes, the TV, and one of the eagles' favorite trees. I was just watching the two of them, probably a matched pair for life, sitting closely together on the very top of the tree. One of them, maybe the female, started talking and her partner left the top of the tree and swooped in a circle as if he did not like her yelling in his ear about something. "You missed that dead fish--how could you mess up such an easy prey, Elliot!" At this point, the second eagle also left the tree top and swooped in a circle with the other one. Then they both landed together back on the same exact spot. I guess all is forgiven.
Yesterday, the Puget Sound area had a storm with wind and rain and snow dumping in the mountains. We have had a leaky window in our downstairs den since we moved into this house. The water always came from our front deck right above the window. But thanks to advice from my brother and our bathroom contractor, Dave may have actually fixed it last summer with some extra flashing under the Trex decking. The sideways pounding rain yesterday did not leak through. Yea for small victories in life.
Poor Apolo. He hates the wind and the gushing rain. We have a Santa on our front deck who waves when he is lit up. Unfortunately, the wind blew his head off and Apolo could not deal with a headless Santa waving into the dark last night. He became completely unglued. One of our neighbors has a blow up Santa and when the wind causes him to bounce around and do push ups, Apolo is equally as frightened. He has a definite scared bark that ends with a "woo, woo, woo, WOOOOOO!" Yep, Apolo still asks to sleep downstairs especially with ghostly Santas haunting him in the family room.
While the storm moved in yesterday, I felt well enough to pull out the rest of my Christmas decorations. I thoroughly enjoyed the annual routine of putting everything in its place. Every year, I pretty much do the same thing. Rather than making me sad, the day provided comfort. For that I was grateful. The only glitch was that I could not find Lucas' two Christmas stockings that we have had since he was a baby. He was in France last year so somehow his stockings became separated from Kaley's. All of our Christmas boxes were moved around and out of our storage closet about 18 times by the contractors last winter. But luckily, Dave found them this morning.
The only sad part of yesterday was when Dave returned home from work with his story. He attended his office party and as usual, he took a request for the needy off of the giving tree. Rather than a plush toy for a child in a family having a tough time, the request was for sleeping bags and handwarmers for homeless teenagers. He was shocked. This year we have more people in desperate need than ever before in this country. Dave stopped at a sporting goods store and purchased two sleeping bags and handwarmers all of the time thinking that they were not joyous presents. Certainly, they will be used and appreciated but still....! Sleeping bags and handwarmers?? What are we not doing right in this nation?
This Christmas, my prayer is for everyone to slow down the frenzied shopping, cooking, and card sending. Enjoy the season because life is terribly short and you never know how many Christmases you will have on earth. Think about why we celebrate. This is the time of the birth of our Savior. I repeat, this is the time of the birth of our Savior. Wal-Mart has nothing to do with it. Take time from the frenzy to do something for the huge numbers of us in great need.
And who cares if Santa's head blows off?!
// posted by Janet @ 9:13 AM
2 comments
Tuesday, December 09, 2008
Life is a Tapestry
One of my friends, SusanG, posted a beautiful poem about God's weaving of our life into a beautiful tapestry. Go read it. It is in the comments to the post below. Weirdly, from several different and unconnected places, I have seen and heard reference to the tapestry since last Thursday when we heard the news about my CT scan. It is true, I am having difficulty seeing the purpose of my current challenges. Obviously, I am looking at the unattractive underside of God's beautiful tapestry of my life.
I went to chemo yesterday. I do not feel too much different than before with the new drug. Of course, they give me steroids, anti-anxiety meds, anti-vomit meds and anti-diarheal meds so we'll just see in the next few days. They also send me home with bottles of pills that do the same thing. My same nurse greeted me with a hug which caused me to dissolve into the tears I have been having lately with all of this. I try to be so strong. Before chemo, I always fix what hair I have left and put on my favorite sweats and underwear. I also put on a little make up though I cannot wear eye make up because I have very few eye lashes left to keep the powder out of my eyes. And I always wear matching earrings. People in the SCCA waiting room look at everyone and wonder about their story. I want to show bravery and normalcy.
Normal life routine. This keeps me going and comfortable. Sunday, I felt pretty good. In the great tapestry of my life, I felt well enough for an outing to get our two Christmas trees. As I wrote the check for the trees, the tree farm woman said to please come back next year. I'd like to keep good on that invitation but the words hit me a little. You just never know what will happen between one Christmas and the next. I then helped myself to hot apple cider and cookies which in past years I have avoided because of the calories. I chuckled to myself. I like to put one tree downstairs as well as upstairs since the kids all sleep and watch TV down there. At the moment, we have only managed to get the upstairs tree decorated. I even climbed on a step ladder with numb feet. That was interesting and probably a little stupid!
Definitely, I am relaxing my attitude about Christmas doings this year because I simply cannot do what I always used to do. I doubt I will do cards and shopping is being done largely online. Baking is not on my list but Kaley will make up for it when she gets home. But this is ok. My desire is to enjoy the season as best I can. Dave is extremely busy with major grants which have deadlines. Luckily, he is able to work on his computer at home with me but it is difficult for him to take up my part of the Christmas activities.
I would like to help those in need this year more than we usually do. I may feel kind of crappy and it just causes me to want everybody else to have a good Christmas. For example, a story in our newspaper today got to me. An Indian reservation in South Dakota was hit hard by a snow storm and people are suffering. They have an 87% poverty rate to begin with and they need clothes, food, and everything. Children are going hungry as if it is the third world. But it is not. This is happening right now, right here in America. I guess people resorted to burning furniture to keep warm. This is unacceptable and tragic. Indians on our local reservations are sending help but it is still not enough. I don't know--this story just touched me today.
http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20081209/NEWS01/712099856#Tulalips.collect.clothing.for.tribes
Here are some pictures from the tapestry of my life:
Dave, Magali, and Lucas at the tree farm.
Upstairs Christmas Tree.
One of my friends, SusanG, posted a beautiful poem about God's weaving of our life into a beautiful tapestry. Go read it. It is in the comments to the post below. Weirdly, from several different and unconnected places, I have seen and heard reference to the tapestry since last Thursday when we heard the news about my CT scan. It is true, I am having difficulty seeing the purpose of my current challenges. Obviously, I am looking at the unattractive underside of God's beautiful tapestry of my life.
I went to chemo yesterday. I do not feel too much different than before with the new drug. Of course, they give me steroids, anti-anxiety meds, anti-vomit meds and anti-diarheal meds so we'll just see in the next few days. They also send me home with bottles of pills that do the same thing. My same nurse greeted me with a hug which caused me to dissolve into the tears I have been having lately with all of this. I try to be so strong. Before chemo, I always fix what hair I have left and put on my favorite sweats and underwear. I also put on a little make up though I cannot wear eye make up because I have very few eye lashes left to keep the powder out of my eyes. And I always wear matching earrings. People in the SCCA waiting room look at everyone and wonder about their story. I want to show bravery and normalcy.
Normal life routine. This keeps me going and comfortable. Sunday, I felt pretty good. In the great tapestry of my life, I felt well enough for an outing to get our two Christmas trees. As I wrote the check for the trees, the tree farm woman said to please come back next year. I'd like to keep good on that invitation but the words hit me a little. You just never know what will happen between one Christmas and the next. I then helped myself to hot apple cider and cookies which in past years I have avoided because of the calories. I chuckled to myself. I like to put one tree downstairs as well as upstairs since the kids all sleep and watch TV down there. At the moment, we have only managed to get the upstairs tree decorated. I even climbed on a step ladder with numb feet. That was interesting and probably a little stupid!
Definitely, I am relaxing my attitude about Christmas doings this year because I simply cannot do what I always used to do. I doubt I will do cards and shopping is being done largely online. Baking is not on my list but Kaley will make up for it when she gets home. But this is ok. My desire is to enjoy the season as best I can. Dave is extremely busy with major grants which have deadlines. Luckily, he is able to work on his computer at home with me but it is difficult for him to take up my part of the Christmas activities.
I would like to help those in need this year more than we usually do. I may feel kind of crappy and it just causes me to want everybody else to have a good Christmas. For example, a story in our newspaper today got to me. An Indian reservation in South Dakota was hit hard by a snow storm and people are suffering. They have an 87% poverty rate to begin with and they need clothes, food, and everything. Children are going hungry as if it is the third world. But it is not. This is happening right now, right here in America. I guess people resorted to burning furniture to keep warm. This is unacceptable and tragic. Indians on our local reservations are sending help but it is still not enough. I don't know--this story just touched me today.
http://www.heraldnet.com/article/20081209/NEWS01/712099856#Tulalips.collect.clothing.for.tribes
Here are some pictures from the tapestry of my life:
Dave, Magali, and Lucas at the tree farm.
Upstairs Christmas Tree.
// posted by Janet @ 11:05 AM
6 comments
Saturday, December 06, 2008
How Am I Feeling Today?
In my life, things have usually worked out well for me. I like to feel in control of issues. This cancer business has changed all of this. There is not much I can do about these next rounds of chemo except to relax into them with a positive attitude.
I have been having moments of anxiety. I am facing fear and my own mortality right in the face. My priest was helpful and I keep thinking about what she said to me. It is ok to be mad at God. He can take it but I must always be reminded that I am His child no matter what. He is taking care of me and He will take care of me. I need to take each day and each moment one at a time rather than finding myself worrying about what is to be. Somehow I have to turn my fear into a positive emotion.
The new drug will have different side effects so I am not sure what to expect. The good news is that the drug that has caused my neuropathy is the one they are replacing. Hopefully, the numbness I feel in my tongue, on my face and in my feet and hands will subside. Walking Apolo will be easier if this happens. At least, what I am feeling or not feeling now will not be any worse.
My brother called me last night and told me I am just like an old car that needs fixing. Sometimes you try one thing and it doesn't work but then something else does. Here is to the hope that they will keep me running for a while---a long while.
Update: I am going to shout. THE NEW DRUG IS GOING TO WORK!!!
In my life, things have usually worked out well for me. I like to feel in control of issues. This cancer business has changed all of this. There is not much I can do about these next rounds of chemo except to relax into them with a positive attitude.
I have been having moments of anxiety. I am facing fear and my own mortality right in the face. My priest was helpful and I keep thinking about what she said to me. It is ok to be mad at God. He can take it but I must always be reminded that I am His child no matter what. He is taking care of me and He will take care of me. I need to take each day and each moment one at a time rather than finding myself worrying about what is to be. Somehow I have to turn my fear into a positive emotion.
The new drug will have different side effects so I am not sure what to expect. The good news is that the drug that has caused my neuropathy is the one they are replacing. Hopefully, the numbness I feel in my tongue, on my face and in my feet and hands will subside. Walking Apolo will be easier if this happens. At least, what I am feeling or not feeling now will not be any worse.
My brother called me last night and told me I am just like an old car that needs fixing. Sometimes you try one thing and it doesn't work but then something else does. Here is to the hope that they will keep me running for a while---a long while.
Update: I am going to shout. THE NEW DRUG IS GOING TO WORK!!!
// posted by Janet @ 11:05 AM
11 comments
Friday, December 05, 2008
The Grinch Who Stole My Christmas
I am devastated today. I am in pieces. I am Humpty Dumpty and the Grinch pushed me off the wall. The CT scan did not have the results we expected or wanted. Evidently, the two large liver tumors have become resistant to the chemo and decided to grow a little bit. The colon tumor is still gone completely, thank God. This is such difficult news because the first two CT scans showed dramatic response to the chemotherapy. Ah, but cancer is a fickle and unpredictable entity and can have a mind of its own.
I have only stopped crying long enough to write this. On Monday, I resume my normal chemotherapy schedule with a different drug that my tumors have never seen before. Two more months I must endure until another CT scan to determine if the new drug will blast them away.
My priest came over yesterday. In a way, I have felt betrayed---like all of the prayers haven't worked or that I have not prayed hard enough. What is it that God is intending for me? I have suffered and I am suffering. Joy, humor, and happiness have flown out my window. Somehow, I have to pull myself together to weather the next round of chemo. Christmas, which I was looking forward to, will go by in a blur of nauseousness. Somehow, I have to face all of this with strength when I feel like a puddle of nothing but tears.
A positive note in all of this is that the CT scan could not find the colon stent. Perhaps one of the times I felt like I was giving birth on the toilet was actually the passing out of the stent. I seriously cannot believe it but it is no longer there. It is now somwhere out in Puget Sound being used as a tiny fish net by a seagull or an otter. Lucas wondered last night if we would find it on the beach sometime.
Now, more than ever, my family needs prayers. I do believe prayers work but maybe not in the way we selfishly desire.
I am devastated today. I am in pieces. I am Humpty Dumpty and the Grinch pushed me off the wall. The CT scan did not have the results we expected or wanted. Evidently, the two large liver tumors have become resistant to the chemo and decided to grow a little bit. The colon tumor is still gone completely, thank God. This is such difficult news because the first two CT scans showed dramatic response to the chemotherapy. Ah, but cancer is a fickle and unpredictable entity and can have a mind of its own.
I have only stopped crying long enough to write this. On Monday, I resume my normal chemotherapy schedule with a different drug that my tumors have never seen before. Two more months I must endure until another CT scan to determine if the new drug will blast them away.
My priest came over yesterday. In a way, I have felt betrayed---like all of the prayers haven't worked or that I have not prayed hard enough. What is it that God is intending for me? I have suffered and I am suffering. Joy, humor, and happiness have flown out my window. Somehow, I have to pull myself together to weather the next round of chemo. Christmas, which I was looking forward to, will go by in a blur of nauseousness. Somehow, I have to face all of this with strength when I feel like a puddle of nothing but tears.
A positive note in all of this is that the CT scan could not find the colon stent. Perhaps one of the times I felt like I was giving birth on the toilet was actually the passing out of the stent. I seriously cannot believe it but it is no longer there. It is now somwhere out in Puget Sound being used as a tiny fish net by a seagull or an otter. Lucas wondered last night if we would find it on the beach sometime.
Now, more than ever, my family needs prayers. I do believe prayers work but maybe not in the way we selfishly desire.
// posted by Janet @ 8:38 AM
15 comments
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